


A Healthy Debate (or: bad ideas everywhere)

by Roga



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 2, Crack, Gen, Jewish Holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 22:31:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1321651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr get into a really weird twitter war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Healthy Debate (or: bad ideas everywhere)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Shoshanah-ben-hohim (Shoshanah_ben_hohim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shoshanah_ben_hohim/gifts).



**@BettmanNHL:**  
It comes down to this: there are three periods in a hockey game. Perfectly structured, perfectly balanced.

**@DonFehr:**  
Not if you count overtime.

**@BettmanNHL:**  
Point 2: Three rounds to a shootout, the most thrilling element of the game.

**@DonFehr:**  
I'm not even pretending to believe you're taking this seriously. 

**@BettmanNHL:**  
Three positions: goalie, forward, defense. 

**@DonFehr:**  
Centers and wingers will be happy to hear your opinion on their apparently identical roles.

**@BettmanNHL:**  
And finally: 30 teams, the ideal number in a sporting league.

**@DonFehr:**  
Can I quote you on that in 2 years?

**@BettmanNHL:**  
I've yet to hear any convincing counterarguments coming from you. #PowerOfThree

**@DonFehr:**  
Simple: what is the shape of the most important object in the game? A perfect circle. It may bounce around unevenly if you drop it, but the very essence of hockey is a flawless round puck. QED.

*

After checking that both Fehr bothers have called in and connected to the conference call, Bill thumps his head on the desk in Gary's office. "Gary. Don. I'm going to need one of you to explain this to me," he says, voice muffled against the wood.

"What," Gary says. "I got a Twitter account. Everyone in the League has been pushing me to get an account for years."

Bill groans. "Steve, will you?"

There's a loud _thwack_ on the other end of the line. "Ow!" Don's voice comes over speakerphone.

"Seriously, what the _hell_ were you two thinking," Steve says.

"It was Don's idea," Gary says, at the same tine Don says "It was Gary's idea."

"To…" Bill lifts his head helplessly, looking honestly mystified, "…make the entire hockey world think we're headed towards a fourth lockout?"

"Oh, come on," Don says, "nobody's going to think that."

Bill pulls up his phone and starts reading headlines. "BETTMAN, FEHR TAKE FUED ONLINE; NHLPA PUSHING TO ADD FOURTH PERIOD TO HOCKEY GAMES; FEHR CONFIRMS TIMELINE FOR NHL EXPANSION; GARY BETTMAN WANTS TO CHANGE SHAPE OF PUCK, CITES IMPERFECTION IN CURRENT FORM; FEHR AND BETTMAN EXCHANGE SERIES OF WEIRD, CLUMSY CHIRPS, 2015 LOCKOUT ON THE WAY?"

"Hey," Don says, "no need to be insulting. Was that Wyshynski? That was probably Wyshynski."

"Look," Gary says peacefully. "We were just trying to show we have a sense of humor about our relationship. A healthy debate about latkes verses hamantaschen! It's funny. We were going for some friendly rivalry."

"You two don't _have_ a friendly rivalry," Bill points out. "Just a rivalry." 

"That's not true," Gary says. "Two years ago Don invited me to Temple for Purim services."

"Yes," Steve says slowly. "Where the cantor kept 'accidentally' saying Bettman instead of Haman and everyone booed and jeered."

"Steve!" Don hisses.

Gary blinks. "I thought the cantor was just excited to see me."

Steve sighs. "Our mom still hasn't forgiven Don about that."

"That is very disappointing, Don," Gary says, frowning. "Last year I invited you to Rosh Hashana."

Bill shakes his head. "Wasn't that just so you could tell him you were rejecting the CBA?" he reminds Gary.

"That's right!" Don squawks over the speakerphone.

"How about," Steve interjects, before things can escalate further, "we all agree that you are both terrible people and not actually friends, and that you both shut down your twitter accounts for good, and that you will not communicate in public unless it's about the work you actually know how to do."

"That sounds like an excellent plan, we accept," Bill says immediately.

"Hey, we—" Gary shuts up at the dark look Bill tosses him. "Fine. We accept."

There's another thwack from the other end of the line, and then a slightly sullen, "So do we," from Don. "But just for the record," he adds, "latkes are formed by hundreds of individual units, forged by the knife cuts and grinds of the grate and the heat of the skillet, warriors who come together and bond to form a single entity, larger than themselves. They're a fucking union, and they will always triumph," he ends with a flourish, and then hangs up.

Gary stares at the phone.

Finally he mutters, "Chocolate cream-filled pastries will always trump potatoes, asshole."

Bill's head bangs on the desk again, with a small whimper. 

Gary resolves to buy him a drink. (And some hamentaschen. Because they're awesome.)


End file.
